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24 July 2014 @ 10:50 am
So This Is How I'm Slipping Away Postlude  


So This is How I'm Slipping Away News Article
(if you cannot read here by zooming, please click the image and enlarge the picture at redrum669's journal)


Jensen wanted to know what happened to him, of course he did. Jared had been gone for five years, presumed dead, or at least never to be found again. There was a pattern to these kinds of cases, these kinds of crimes. Jensen had read about it. Pedophiles, especially the notoriously violent kind, almost always killed their captives, and the kids never escaped. Nearly never. The fact that Jared was here, sitting on Jensen’s living-room couch, mug of tea in hand was…well, frankly, it was a miracle.

But Jensen could bide his time. He could wait, and just be happy that Jared was here at all. Despite the anger that had been coiling and festering in his gut for five years, (five, long, hellish years) Jensen could, and would, wait for the truth, until his friend was ready. He owed Jared that much and more.

“Are you going to sit?” Jared asked suddenly.

So suddenly that Jensen jumped slightly. He hadn’t said much since the police had brought him in, had said even less after going home with Jerry and Megan, and Jensen wasn’t even sure how aware he was of his surroundings yet. It didn’t startle him, as much as surprise him.

Jared’s facial expression didn’t change at all from the neutral blank stare he’d had nearly all day, but he did shoot Jensen a look out of the corner of his eye as if he was waiting for a response.

“Um…” Jensen wasn’t sure whether it’d be best to sit or not, honestly.

“Your fidgeting is… making me…twitchy.” His voice was soft, low; a raspy whisper that sounded like it was being forced out between clenched teeth.


Jensen sat at the far end of the sofa very carefully, eyes forward and staring at the blank television so he didn’t have to look at Jared.

So he didn’t have to see how broken he was. His blank stare spoke of walls of apathy built to keep in a heaving mass of hurt. Jensen was sure it had to be tearing him apart. He knew better than anyone how much easier it was to pretend that you were okay than to show people even a piece of yourself, just a glimpse of a shard of your shattered soul, and have them chew it into splinters and spit it back in your face. Better to not be vulnerable in the first place than to be made vulnerable by someone else.

Of course, Jared had been made vulnerable, in more ways than one, over and over and over again, so his walls had to be pretty damn thick.

….Or extremely fragile.

Jensen didn’t really know what to say to him.

He wanted to say “You’ve gotten tall. Still shorter than me, maybe, but you’re taller than a lot of guys I know, and considering, well…everything, that’s kind of unbelievable”.

He wanted to say “I missed you. I missed you so goddamned much that I couldn’t even breathe most days”.

He wanted to say “You’re still so fucking beautiful that I don’t know what to do with myself”, hollow eyed, scarred, and all, and “Even though you probably won’t believe me, I love you now just as much as I loved you then”, or even,

“You won’t be broken forever. I promise. I promise I’ll fix you.”

But nothing came out of his mouth when he opened it, so he bit his lip instead.

When his mother came in from her late shift in the IC unit, that’s how she found them: awkward and stiff, facing opposite directions on the couch with an ocean of silence and sorrow between them.

Jared didn’t eat much at all at dinner, and he didn’t step foot in the Josh’s old room, instead curling up in a ball, wiry arms around his bony knees, at the end of the couch.

Jensen guessed they were lucky he wasn’t on the floor still, as Jerry had said countless times he’d woken up to Jared tucked into one dark corner or another.

Hopefully he’d sleep. Through the night, preferably, but a couple of hours straight would be more than what Jensen expected. At all is what he dared to hope for.


Despite all that had happened and all that he was sure was to come, he couldn’t help the spread of it, warm and wild, digging its needy, greedy claws into his chest and not letting go.

Jared was here.

He was broken, and hurting but he was alive and that was more, way more than Jensen had ever had reason to think possible.

That was enough.

That was everything.

dmartinsdianamartins on July 25th, 2014 02:13 am (UTC)
WHAAAAATTT?! It can't be over! This part is confusing. :(

Edited at 2014-07-25 02:13 am (UTC)
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 03:52 am (UTC)
Awwww, hun! I'm sorry. What confused you??? :( This is only meant to be one part to an eventual two-part story. But it should all make sense and tie up by the end. The sequel will deal with what comes after.
dmartinsdianamartins on July 25th, 2014 12:09 pm (UTC)
All I know that Jared escaped from his abuser. Then, he was at the police station. How did he get from here to Jensen's house? When is the sequel?

Edited at 2014-07-25 12:09 pm (UTC)
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 12:39 pm (UTC)
Ahhhh, yes. That is sequel business. There are missing days in between of course. Sequel will come...don't worry. ;) glad you like it enough to read more! :)
(Deleted comment)
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 03:55 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading and commenting!!! I worked really hard on this piece so I appreciate it. Yes, believe it or not, I've already begun the sequel! lol The journey is not yet complete with this one. Unlike other things I've written, this plot has always had a clear ending, and I haven't reached it quite yet.
ayane42ayane42 on July 25th, 2014 03:00 am (UTC)
wow!! that was a difficult read! i didn't read spoilers so i was afraid that Jared was going to die at the end :(

i loved both point of views. Jensen, just wow, just wondering where Jared was and if he was dead or what. so hard to live with that not knowing.

and Jared and the horrors he went through!!

wonderful read!!
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 03:57 am (UTC)
No, no, I couldn't possibly do that. I said it's a hopeful story, love! ;) And it will be, ultimately. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. It means a lot to know you enjoyed it. :)
tipsy_kittytipsy_kitty on July 25th, 2014 05:35 am (UTC)
Wow, that was intense. I blubbered and sniveled the whole way through and didn't think Jared was going to survive :( so happy to see you're planning to continue this.
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 12:42 pm (UTC)
thank you for reading and commenting! I couldn't kill off jared, don't worry. ;) that was never my intention. glad you enjoyed it enough to read more.
CJreggie11 on July 25th, 2014 01:06 pm (UTC)
God, that was intense and so very, very painful, but beautifully told. I had to stop for a while after 'Summer' because I felt gutted. Jared's story was a little bit reminiscent of a novel called 'Room' by Emma Donoghue, the story was vastly different but it brought it immediately to mind, and that's a huge compliment because that book was extraordinary.

I really wish it hadn't have ended where it did, mainly because it's still in a place of utter brokenness and it means we'll have to wait some time before we get the rest of it. I'm kind of hoping that you aren't planning the sequel for next year's Big Bang because I don't want to wait that long, I'm greedy. But there was a spark of hope there, it hasn't turned to a flicker yet but I'm hoping that it does in the sequel. It's hard to imagine anyone even remotely recovering from something like that but as both boys suffered severe trauma, albeit on hugely different levels, it gives us hope that they can drag each other to the surface.

It was a painful read, but a good one. Well done.
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 01:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely review. I worked very hard on this piece so I feel personally touched by your compliment, though I did not encounter that work while I did my research, unfortunately.

Yes, there just wasn't enough time for me to explore the process of breaking them, and what it's like to go through that kind of trauma and then hammer out the details of the recovery as well. Recovery isn't linear. I needed time to show that, and time to get people really tied to the idea that this experience is one that will always be a large part of what has shaped both Jared and Jensen in this story.

I'm glad you felt the spark of hope. That's the most important part of this story, even though it doesn't come until the very end. I already have the beginning outline of the sequel planned and if my friends have anything to say about it, it won't likely be a year from now when I'm finished with it, but we will see. ;)

Thank you for your beautiful review. <3

Edited at 2014-07-25 01:46 pm (UTC)
samaya256 on July 25th, 2014 11:01 pm (UTC)
This was truly heartbreaking. I could understand Jensen's POV, his guilt and reactions over the tragedy. But what really got to me was Jared's POV. You captured a ten year old child's confusion, fear to these extreme situations. Sometimes I think Jared must have had a very strong will power since it almost seems impossible not to lose one's mind. I was horrified by the abuse but the isolation was IMO much more scary. I don't know how Jared will cope with outside world since he has lost precious years in his prison.

I think it would be very difficult to fix the damage that has been done to him and probably he wouldn't be healed completely. Also Jensen is still a teen himself. I would love to see a sequel and find out how you are going to conclude this haunting/beautiful story.
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 25th, 2014 11:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Yes, this is a very difficult situation for them both. Jared's recovery will take a lot of time, and setbacks, and a continued and constant reminder that he's a survivor, no longer a victim, and that he deserves happiness. One never fully recovers from trauma such as this, but they can reframe it, compartmentalize it, and learn to live w/o letting that experience rule their everyday life. It won't be easy, but both of the boys will have to come to a place of healing in their own journey, both alone and together, and in their own time.

Thank you for your beautiful commentary.
spn_2008spn_2008 on July 28th, 2014 11:54 pm (UTC)
Amazing fic, heartbreaking, painful to read, raw and very real, I love this is not a "happy ending" kind of fic, life is not that way. I thank you for this well written and sincere fic, with characters that behave like actual people and not unidimensional personifications, well done!.
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on July 29th, 2014 02:02 am (UTC)
thank you for reading and commenting. real characters that really portray the breadth and depth of the human emotional experience are always the goal, so I very much appreciate your review! :)
fufarawfufaraw on August 3rd, 2014 08:08 am (UTC)
This one struck a little close to home. Excellently written, and horribly affecting. I'll be waiting for the sequel to bring a little hope.
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on August 4th, 2014 08:18 pm (UTC)
The sequel will do just that, I'm hoping. Thank you for reading and commenting.
sinkasinka on August 10th, 2014 03:17 pm (UTC)
This was an amazingly well written and solid story. I can't say I had a good time reading this fic because it hurt soooo much. I was glad that Jared somehow scaped but I'm adding my voice to the request of sequel... I really like to see the path to recovery and how both Js find the way to each other and to happiness.

By the way, I was a little confussed about how did Jared manage to scape? Was Jake moving him somewhere else and he made a run for it? What happened with Jake in that case? or did Jake let him go because he wasn't satisfied anymore now that Jared was little less that a lifeless doll? Or will you explain it all in the sequel?
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on August 13th, 2014 12:49 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad you enjoyed it however painfully. lol And Yes, how Jared got out, and how the case was resolved is part of what is tackled in the sequel. I've got to keep you hanging on for SOMETHING right? ;)
ayane42: lilbroayane42 on August 11th, 2014 08:22 pm (UTC)
Congratulations! You have been recced at spn_littlebro!

If you posted a copy on AO3 or ff.net, please see our cross-rec post here to see if we can help promote your great story anywhere else!
Whispers in clouds of purple and greyfairygrrl45 on August 13th, 2014 12:50 am (UTC)
wow thanks! :D That's awesome!